The 50 Word Review

A movie about a disconnected sociopath who kidnaps pretty women and keeps them caged in his basement for company. He treats them well, until they do something, and then “something happens to them.“ It‘s never his fault. A budget horror movie that never really takes off and barely keeps itself afloat in the genre. Brian Murray

A very dodgy movie where Mormons are kidnapped and tortured by a deranged clown. A couple is looking for a break from the big city life at a cabin for the weekend, when they meet this clown. The female lead is supposed to have had a minor psychotic episode, but looks more like she‘s on the run from her stripping job. Brian Murray

Though gory and violent, this is one of the funniest and most enjoyable films in the tradition of From Dusk Till Dawn. A fantastic combination of horror (or what I call “un-horror” of which you can see too much on the screen these days) and comedy. But its “last scare” sucks! Omid Nikfarjam

A perfect blend of reality and fantasy. The reality is set post Spanish Civil War, where a young girl is exposed to pain, sadness and death. In the fantasy world, she completes three tasks to become an immortal princess. Well-woven together, making for an ambiguous but interesting ending. Neha Kumar

Uh, “I am Sorry”, but did I miss something? Oh yes … the point of this movie! I rooted for IAL (think 28 Days Later does the Big Apple), but what promised to be a thrilling blockbuster of one man’s quest to reverse an apocalyptic nightmare turned out to be the equivalent of a super long trailer … without the climax. Come on people! Cristina Pittelli

If God saw the movie he/she would have good reason to desire the extinction of humankind. Only bodybuilders (Will Smith) and Apple products (iMac, eMac, MacPro, iPhone, iPod) would survive a virus which makes you as strong as spiderman, as stupid as a rat, and allergic to UV rays. This is something you would expect to be written during a writers strike. Mario Alemi

So what if he has muscles, what soldier doesn’t lift weights? Who cares about Mac product placement? This story is significant because it shows the thin line distinguishing the emotional composition of man from beast. The first hour is pure suspense. William Hilderbrandt

Once more with extreme violence, brutality and provocation Haneke carbon copies his 1997 version this time in the US. He asserts that violence in cinema is essentially an American discourse - hence the remake - the result is a kind of ‘intellectual’ Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Don’t watch Funny Games for answers or clarity or if you’re not too keen on torture and bloodletting.

JJ

Set in Australia - apparently about true events. Two English female friends and an Aussie bloke set out on a road trip with the usual aims of seeing the outback, getting drunk, and having sex; all seem to get accomplished. That is until they meet this strange but friendly Aussie who offers to fix their car for free. Is it too good to be true? I don’t know… you tell me. Brian Murray

ONE year on from Halloween 4 and Michael Myers is back in Haddonfield for revenge - this time in a domesticated/Desperate Housewives role: skulking round the family home, hiding in wardrobes, contemplating doing the dishes between the occasional blood-letting. Domestication and daylight don’t suit Hollywood’s hardest working serial killer - H5 sees him slightly weary and otiose - which is a pity when you remember Myers’ great body of work. JJ

A weirdo American freshman surreptitiously gains the company of the girl he is all but stalking. He gives her a ride back to her hometown in Maryland, even though he lives hours in the opposite direction. They get caught out in a terrible snow blizzard, enter the ghosts, significant plot developments courtesy of some forty year old newspapers, and Bob’s your uncle - its a thriller. Brian Murray